I have tried put cancer behind me but every time I have to go for imaging, It pulls me down the rabbit hole. My body freezes up and can’t relax until after the event.  Well after you get the results.  But in all fairness, not everyone has to get MRIs on a regular basis.

I understand the point of it all.  And it is better to know than not know but even then it really shouldn’t matter because at any given time this is the only moment we really have.  Don’t worry I won’t ask you to share this on Facebook as a testament of your support of those who have cancer or something like that.  As someone who has gone through it, I would never ask that of someone.  I don’t understand what that really proves anyway.

What I needed and still need is contact, moments, memories and love.  I just don’t get those Facebook posts.  You know the ones that say I don’t know how many people will read to end shit and all that conditional nothingness.  That is all it is to me. And I won’t follow that.

Back to my MRI.  My husband took off the day to take me.  I am so fucking grateful but I don’t show it. Instead I am doing my spiritual practices in the car before and reading Apple News only to see that the supermodel Tatiana Patitz has just died of breast cancer.  I try not to let that news affect me but it’s really hard.

I get to my appointment at Blood and Cancer Specialist. I wish it had a different name.  There is no anonymity here. Last time I was here it was a ghost town but not today -it’s jam packed with a lot of people looking like they should be in the hospital. I become more concerned about the wait for a little bit than the actual test/results thing. Then I start to think about my insurance.  For the first time, this imaging will go toward the deductible.  How much will it cost?  Will I have to pay it today?  No one should have to think about these things at this time.  But then I am called in and a nice guy takes me to the dressing room.  I prepare myself that he might be doing my test but luckily it is only two young women handling my MRI test.  This place has got it right!  I think you can always request women but sometime that has to be done in advance at other places.  It didn’t even bother me when one of them reached down and adjusted one of my breasts without asking.  I was just so relieved that there were guys around.

The headphones are put on.  They ask me about my favorite music but I decline.  These girls are too young for that.  There is loud clanging noise.  You would think with all our modern technology this process could be done more quietly.  Only 7 more minutes comes through the headphones.  That is something I can deal with.  Pretzels and water are an option afterwards which begins my stress eating.  I have to pee so much that I didn’t notice the contrast injection thing is still in my arm.  They find me eventually and now I can go back to outside.  I ask them two questions.  I want to make sure they have my right address.  Nothing like test results going to someone else.  Also I ask how I can get online access because waiting until I see the doctor in four days and then waiting for the words to come out of his mouth is just too much!

My husband suggests Shake Shack for lunch.  He means well but I am trying to lose weight but once it is suggested, there is no going back.  There is also a Sephora and Victoria’s secret in this shopping center and I must go there.  I really don’t care if this would be considered acting out or addictive behavior or whatever.  I am going shopping. I don’t overdo it.  I just do that regular underwear 6 for 30 special at VS and some makeup and cleanser at Sephora.  It’s amazing how much some eyeshadow, blush, and cleanser cost but nonetheless I want to look good when I get the news.  Also had to hit Staples on the way home.  A girl can’t get things done without a mouse and some printing paper.

Finally at home, I set up online access.  Nothing.  I know they told me about two days but I want my results now. I keep refreshing the page.  I decide to join my husband and dog and take a nap. It is a deep one.  I force myself to wake up at 5:30pm so that I will be able to sleep later.  

I check my phone and there is not one but two messages from my doctor’s office.  Well usually in terms of test like this, quick responses are bad.   I am too alarmed to listen to the message so I check the transcribed version.  It is someone who works at the office. Whew!  That means I am off the hook.  If it was really bad news the doctor himself has to call.  Everything was negative. This is the only time I like the word negative.  They tried me again later to tell me this.  While I appreciate the effort, seeing two messages was alarming to say the least.

I am ok.  I am alright.  I am still in my limited run on earth.  Lisa Marie Presley has died today.  I must do better.