I think New Year’s Eve puts a whole lot of pressure on society. It’s like January 1st will make everything right if we can just stick to our resolutions. I love this idea but I find that most of my resolutions don’t hold. I also get upset with myself when I break one. How about we just accept the fact that we are human beings that are going to make mistakes but at any moment -we have the opportunity to start over. And you can toast that with champagne anytime! Now that sounds like great motivation for change.

Last New Year’s Eve I was released from the hospital. Two days before I was taken to the hospital via ambulance for an irregular heartbeat. You can catch that blog here. Well your heart is pretty important and I never really thought about how it was beating until that night. It was also the first time in my life that I thought I might die. It took what seemed like forever to get my heart rate back to normal. Being taken in via ambulance means that you will be seen right away and for that I am very grateful. And let’s not forget the paramedics that called a doctor to be able to give me an injection before taking me there. I did hate having to tell them around how much I weighed though.

So it would be impossible for me not to reflect on the past year. After all that, I thought I would have made the leap to a more enlightened person. Living in a very negative and toxic situation had taken its toll on me and I found myself sucked back into that painful abyss. There was something deep inside of me that told me that I should really be able to be happy anywhere. I mean isn’t that the definition of enlightenment? Well whoever said something like this never met my family of origin. It’s all too insane of story to go into this blog. But I promise to write more about this later!

So it probably wasn’t wise to move immediately after being released from the intensive care so I tried to make it work one more time. Yes there is fear involved but mostly because I needed things to be different. It was hard to accept that I would never be loved or even respected on a basic level and what’s even more amazing is how I am used to this. And this realization colors my whole life and the choices I made. Always seeking out similar situations as an adult because they felt more comfortable. It’s one of those if I had only known then type of things. As I dance around my new apartment playing whatever music and wearing anything I want, I do believe in happy endings.

Take the time and make the effort to get centered in the midst of chaos. It is easy to forget who you are especially when people are pushing your buttons.

The spiritual part of me is beyond those things. I am determined to remember this everyday not just this New Years. Instead of seeking the sparkle, be the sparkle.